…discipline that have been proven affective in your home?
For my own family, the taking away of privileges did the trick. My sons hated to loose their favorite toys, a planned outing, a play date with a friend.
We practiced our manners, how to behave in a public setting, how to cross busy streets and not to run across parking lots.
If they had a meltdown while shopping or at a restaurant, we left. I finished my shopping while they napped, and we practiced restaurant etiquette before attempting another dinner out.
If they refused to hold my hand in high traffic areas, I used velcro straps attached to our wrists to keep the kids right by my side. They disliked this immensely, and were far less likely to stray on our next outing.
Childproofing my home also made our lives much easier.
They were taught to say “Please, thank you, I’m sorry, and May I.”
Yes, they misbehaved, and at times I felt at the end of my rope. When that happened I removed myself from the equation.
These were difficult years, made all the more so due to single parenthood. But the results were so worth it.
What worked for you?
Thank you for taking the time to pass on the lessons, and for helping others to learn.
For three days now, corporal punishment has been a hot topic in this forum. Sincere, helpful answers are most appreciated.
Pardon my typos.
Master….interesting that you bring up treating kids as if they are little adults. I did the same. I always acted as if I knew they were capable of learning and behaving, because I believed this to be true. They haven’t disappointed me. Except for one incident with my now 23 year-old, there have been no problems beyond the ordinary.
Gap….I appreciate your candor, willingness to rethink your position, and to look for different ways. Thank you.
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Oh, my son’s insane, so obviously nothing worked for him.
The only sanction that seems to work well is an electronics ban. They shudder at the thought of their internet being taken away.
Compulsory rock-breaking and heavy manual labour always worked for us.
*hic*
rebel I used to work with kids & tickling is punishment
We talked. He was big into understanding things.
The only time I ever spanked him was once when he started to cross the street without looking.
These days I make the older two write letters of apology if they are rude or break established rules. The two-year-old has to sit in the designated “Bad Choice Chair” for his infractions.
And I let punishments fit the crime. My seven-year-old forgets to turn off the computer monitor and speakers when he is done. After a couple of warnings, he is now off the computer for a month. Next time I bet he will remember.
It is an advantage when they hit to be able to say to them, “I don’t hit you, do I? Hitting is not the way we solve problems.”
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I don’t believe in spanking! It doesn’t really get you and the child anywhere! I believe in punishing the child! I think that if a child is doing something that he or she shouldn’t be doing you take away what they want! Well that’s how i see it i don’t believe in any kind of beatings!
My mother tried solitary confinement.
It didn’t work. I LIKE to be alone.
Politically correct parenting is ridiculous in any case. Many centuries of youngsters turned out just fine despite receiving occasional physical punishment. It is only due to people abusing those methods in recent times that it has got such a bad name.
And cubs might well bite or claw each other sometimes… but it curbs it pretty quickly when they realise that there are bigger, sharper teeth and claws out there than their own, all too happy to show them what a nip or scratch can be.
“Spare the rod and spoil a child” this is an old saying and even the Bible is saying it. However, the use of the rod is to point to a direction not to be used for whipping.
Oh hai. LOL, my children are punished by “assuming the position” against the wall in the hallway and counting to a specific number of our choosing depending upon the severity of the offence. Even my nearly three year old can count over a hundred and my six year old can count by threes, sevens and nines….punishment has its usefulness, depending upon it’s mode and intent.
in al my childhood i can only remember my father being reallllllllly angry just once. One of my brothers had used alcohol illegally and my dad smacked the back of his head very hard so he could feel it through the haze of alcohol. I vividly remember the look of shock on his face and on all our faces as we were all present when the event happened! He had driven my dads car drunk. Nothing bad happened ..but it could have just as easily been horrible..someone might have died. I never remember my mom being angry even one time. She always laughed and made us all giggle alot.
But the thing is.. that was one instance out of ALL of the days I lived with my parents and with ALL of my brothers and sisters.. ( quite a few ) ..my parents had this knack of keeping us all so busy there simply was not enough time to get into trouble. They were genuinely interested in all of us and how we thought and what we thought about. We didn’t watch television either. I still do not except for weather and sometimes the news. Too much else useful to do. I agree with the teaching of politeness and honesty in all things no matter what …even to teach competitiveness is good as long as wisdom is used in the teaching.
All you have to do is not allow something they want. It ends really fast if you are consistent about it. That’s the real rub…most parents aren’t consistent and any punishment is only effective if you are 100% consistent..
It is also very, very helpful to reward good behavior. And I don’t mean you do this and I’ll do that for you. I mean when they are good on their own give them an unexpected reward. Psychology principles show that random rewards cause the positive behavior to be repeated more than consistent rewards.
We simply talked. It takes time and effort to raise kids. How much easier it is to simply punish. Do people never recall their own experiences of punishment. All punishment ever teaches is how to avoid the punishment and if you can do that and still do the behaviour well and good.
Talking reaches the heart of the child and makes them want to correct their behaviour. Or it might be that you as the parent need to correct your opinion on what their behaviour should be.
And before you all tell me I’m crazy, I just like to let you know that the kids in question are now grown and doing more than wonderfully in the world.
I never had to spank, and I am grateful for that. I was prepared to if I had to though.
I did pretty much as you, my word alone was enough.
A child’s spirit is never meant to be broken. Spanking doesn’t, but can shape their will. They learn right and wrong. And as we both know, there ARE alternatives.
I would go to great lengths to EXPLAIN things out to my daughter. Communicating at their age level can be a challenge, but it can be done. Once they understand, there’s never a problem. Of course, some things people learn the hard way. A relative (4 y.o.) wouldn’t stay away from the stove. We told him why, but he found out himself why. Immediately afterwards, he learned (and we told him) when we tell them something, it is for a reason. He got good at listening quick.
Small burn, not serious. More scared than hurt. My heart hurt to hear him cry out. Thank God it didn’t last beyond a minute.
We don’t yet have children, but a very good Muslim friend of ours has raised a couple of excellent kids. They’re well-mannered, polite and respectful.
It’s interesting to watch parents and children interact, because in their household the kids are in a way treated as adults. The parents actively use negotiation with their kids. If the kids want something, they’ll negotiate with the parents and make a deal to get it.
In those times where they might be getting out of hand, they do a “time out” type of deal where the kid is given the “countdown of doom” and if they don’t stop their misbehaving they get stuck in a corner for a while.
I think the negotiation has had a significant and good impact on their kids, it teaches them some of the key rules of adulthood before they’re adults themselves.
I have found, like you mention, that the best way to ensure a child behaves is prevention and practice. Even young children who lack verbal skills benefit from having what is expected of them explained to them and demonstrated.
When my children were young and would attempt to throw a tantrum, I made them go to their rooms or physically put them there and shut the door. They were free to scream all they wanted so long as I didn’t have to hear it and they couldn’t come out til they were done. This worked wonders as a tantrum is generally an attempt to get your attention. When they no longer had my attention, I was amazed at how fast the tantrum ended. I nipped the tantrum phase in the bud quickly this way and never had much of a problem.
Also, I learned that making sure they looked my in the eye and understood what I was telling them worked wonders. I would make sure there was eye contact and asked them to explain back what had just been explained to them. There was no room for miscommmunication.
Good parenting just takes time and effort, like anything else.
Now, if I could just anticipate when they were going to say something embarrassing…….
Lead by example, talk&explain, and use positive punishments.
Due to circumstances I was very involved in the raising of my nephew. He’s 8 now. We never punished him, but teased him when he did something wrong. After the teasing, we explained him what he had done wrong, and why. If you start doing that from the first moment, then punishing isn’t even needed.
And if I do it, I do it in a funny way. There was an incident where he wanted to go home with me, to live in my house. Because he “hated his parents”. He was 4 at the time. I told him to pack his bags, if that’s what he wanted. So, he did.
Happily he came downstairs, with two bags filled with clothes and toys. I took him to my house (i lived next door), and told him to unpack. God, the kid was happy.
So, he had unpacked all his stuff, and then I told him he had to help me pack. He was like “Why?”. I told him I wanted to live with his parents, because I didn’t wanna live with a kid that told his parents he hates them.
Never seen such a confused kid before in my life. Within 10 minutes he had his bags packed again, and ran home to hug his parents.
That’s just a little example, I have plenty more. The kid is very disciplined and understands why he shouldn’t do things. He doesn’t stop doing things out of fear for punishment, but simply because he knows why.
He also knows he shouldn’t use bad language. But every parent once and a while cusses. So, we made a rule that he can only use bad words when we’re in a traffic jam. It’s huge fun for him, for us, and he never ever uses bad language in any other situation.
patients and lots of talking ,i had 6 kids 3 girls and 3 boys so our house was a lunitic asyslum and we got through the rough times no hitting ,just made to do as they are told ,bedroom was their haven when naughty ,no music killed them ,so i banned that ,more chores ,that works and treats for great grades at school ,when they fell of the wagon same deal close the dishwasher down for a month and they hated that ,no going to school dances if curfew was broken ,no nothing for swearing ,and more talking to get through it all i had a nervous break down every week but what mum dont ,now they are all married and im mad ,but the grankids are great and all is well and we are happy ,it never ends so good luck from a mad mother!
Good question. Thanks for asking.
I have a toddler and I’ve spanked him before. It works, but I’m really starting to rethink it. It smacks way too much of impatience and hypocrisy.
And it makes me feel really bad too.
I stand him in front of me and tell him, “***** (< —that’s his name…I don’t want to divulge), I have to spank you now, okay?” Then he cries and says “no!!!” and I spank him twice, and he cries, hugs me, says “sorry!” and I say sorry too.
I never do it out of anger, but I still feel it’s just the wrong way. I’ve read some really good suggestions. Thanks. 
Spanking is the last resort for those times they truly stepped in it and was like the icing on the cake . usually it was loss of privileges and extra chores and the other charming things I thought up that made them behave .
I haven’t weighed in on this topic yet for a couple of reasons (I’ve missed some of them, and my daughter is only two).
But, I’ve yet to spank her and I don’t plan on it. Both my husband and I were never spanked and we both turned out well behaved (at least we think so).
What works for her (and she’s two): First off, I’m never very far away from her.
When she does something wrong, I redirect. Let’s not do that, let’s do this instead.
Really bad behavior – modified time outs (she’s too young for the real thing still). But if starts in with a tantrum I tell her I don’t want to be around her acting like that and I walk away. I’ve walked out the front door. She pretty much stops immediately.
I also am always prepared to leave situations that get bad – dinner out, shopping trips, etc. She knows that if she starts acting up at the park or the mall, we will leave until she calms down. If it’s the grocery store, we’ll have to go back. If it’s the park, we won’t.
As she gets older, I do the same thing my parents did which was more of the above and taking away privileges. That worked very well for me.
I’m not going to make claims that those ways will always work perfectly. But since there’s many ways to punish other than spanking, I’m fairly confident in mine and my husband’s ability to keep her safe and well behaved. She’s quite well behaved now.